I sat in a circle for the billionth time this semester. I looked around. What is different?

Smiles.

Warmth.

Home.

I remember entering class my first day of grad school. In my mind I thought, alright, I am going to be cordial and work well with these individuals. That was it. Get in and get out. I would not allow myself to open up or get attached.

If you know me. You’re probably laughing hysterically right now.

These goals are impossible for a person like me. I genuinely like people. I like helping people. It is why I entered this field in the first place. I wanted to help. I wanted to make a difference.

I was afraid. Part of me still is. Allowing people to get to know me is scary. Caring about others is easy but trying not to expect others to be like you, is hard.

I remember sitting in a circle the first day of class. I was facing all these new faces. Of course we had to talk about ourselves. I hate that. I absolutely hate having to introduce myself. Yet, on the first day of class that is what you always do. I wanted to say Hi I’m so and so and I  am terrified. That is all. I didn’t.

Every class, every gathering, retreat, icebreaker, etc. I was full of anxiety and making every effort to remind myself what my main goal was. I was just here to get through this program.

Again, if you know me you are laughing again.

The thing about my program is, you have to open up. There is this “process” and you have to “trust it”. You are going into a profession where people are your life source. Students are your concern. You cannot be a closed off person and cold and be successful. Well, you could but I’m don’t think the impact would be good. I’m just saying from experience.

I don’t want to be that type of person. That is not me. My own educational experience has been made by the people who let down their walls, their pride. They were real. That is what I often admire most of my mentors. They gained my trust by just being themselves.

There is no way I could continue to be cold and distant with the group of people in this program. Little by little my cohort they wiggled their way into my heart. I started to let down my walls. I started to be me. I started to feel the fears dissipate. I was able to have meaningful interactions. Little by little I broke my own rules. The vulnerability started to become ok.

Five months later, I sat in a circle with the same strangers I met in the summer. I smiled and it was a real smile. It wasn’t that timid, God help me smile. It was a true smile from the inside out. I learned so much from everyone in that room. I reflected on what touched me most. In a time of chaos and transition and unfamiliarity I found a home.

I started a new job and I would come to class and my class mates would ask how it was going. They would ask if my coworkers were nice to me. They congratulated me. I may have never verbally told them but it was the kindest thing. During a time when I didn’t know what I was doing in school and at work, it really helped me get through that time. Thank you.

I am happy in this program. i am happy and proud to be part of such a diverse, intelligent, caring, and funny group of individuals. Seriously, you all make me laugh so much.

We have made it. One semester down! Four to go!!